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I am going to turn into a mass murderer. F&*k the Joker, F%$*k Dr. Doom, no one sees RED right now like I do. I am going to strangle the Printers who make things late. I’m going to rip out there viscera and hand deliver it to their mothers. I do not like the idea that some people do not have my comic in their hands. I am breathing brimstone and shooting fire from eyes. I could club a thousand baby seals and still not be satisfied. I am the beast of revelations. But. You should know, I’m usually a pretty patient guy. Damnit, I’m a nice guy. The only times I haven’t been is: the first time a girl let me touch her boob…let’s be honest, I’m still that way; whenever I’m playing Street Fighter 2, the upcoming release of a movie, cooking breakfast, waking up, and getting my comics on time. So, when I called my LCS yesterday wondering if they had gotten “Flying Saucers VS The Earth” #1 in here’s what transcribed. Me: Hey man, uh, did you guys get “Flying Saucers VS The Earth” #1 in? LCS-Man: No, dude, we ordered it, and it’s scheduled for today but…hey! Are you the writer? Me: …Errr, yes. LCS-Man: Man! Hey man, listen, there’s some people who saw the interview in the Chron and have come in--! But we don’t have it. Me: F&*$k me. Are you serious? LCS-Man: Yeah man, we even ordered more. Hey, we got your newspaper clip hanging up in the back. We’re gonna ride your coattails, man! ME: Er…But I wear polos. And that was that. I had to have a beer or eight to calm my nerves. I felt like one of those salty fishermen on “Deadliest Catch” who needs to smoke an eight pack of Reds, drink two cases of Red Bull and down five pots off coffee just to calm my nerves. After coming down from my twitter high, I decided its ok it not like you can fly to Korea and hunt these people down like the scum they are, you’re just going to have to wait. Patiently. However. If people do not get their comic next Wednesday, I expect everyone to chip in to the “Ryan flies to Korea and dispatches said printers with ninja-pirate hybrid efficiency” fund. But in the meantime, if you’ve read this far into my RANT—into my negative Mandala—then you deserve something, don’t you? The first 5 people to email me here: burtoncomics@gmail.com will get a FREE SIGNED copy of Issue #1 delivered to their address. Of course, you’ll have to give me your address….so I can stalk you.
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